The challenge for a couple when they start a relationship is, precisely, to couple in many aspects: social, emotional, economic, cultural and, of course, sexual.
The period in which the couple tries to adapt sexually to each other is known as sexual coupling. This initial phase is full of passion and is like a sex marathon, every day and all the time. And although it seems to be the easiest stage to define emotional stability, it is not.
Antoni Bolinches, Catalan therapist and sexologist, explains that good sexual coupling depends on five parameters: initiative, frequency, rituals, orgasmic resolution and post-orgasmic affectivity.
Initiative: the therapist explains that, at the beginning of relationships, sexual desire is high, but as time passes by the same person ends up being the one who proposes sex. It is very satisfying to feel desired by another. At the beginning it works if the initiative is unilateral, but with time, “the initiator” will want their partner to take the initiative as well. If the initiative is bilateral, both will feel desired.
If one is always the one looking for the other to have sex; one feels unwanted and the other may feel harassed. The idea is that both parts take the initiative and happily coincide.
Frequency: ideally, the frequency should be guided by desire, but this is capricious and varies for many reasons: the level of infatuation, the type of partner and, of course, the sexual energy of each one.
This aspect, as Bolinches explains, is difficult to change, for example; if the couple has different libidos there is a serious problem of coupling. Some people are more “ardent” than others and it is just as unfair to repress desire if you have it, as it is to force it if you do not have it.
Some couples value their life together and reach well-planned agreements that allow them to couple their sexual energies.
Rituals: according to the expert, this is perhaps the most complex aspect because we talk about what we like to do and how we like to do it, and this is where the sexual personality of each one is expressed.
“Not all couples are sexually compatible and that does not mean that either of them has any sexual dysfunction, but simply that their way of doing and reacting in the sexual sphere does not allow them to enjoy while making the other enjoy”, says the therapist.
Rituals range from traditional practices such as kissing, caressing and the missionary position to proposals that include threesomes, partner swapping and the use of sex toys or fetishes, which should be done in the context of mutual respect and prior consensus.
It cannot be said that there are rituals better than others, but the more rigid and limited the sexual banquet is, the easier it is to fall into monotony and disinterest.
Orgasmic resolution: all of the above can be negotiated, improved and adjusted, but the therapist Bolinches explains that when a relationship does not culminate in orgasm it produces frustration and resentment.
The expert not only refers to the achievement of orgasm, but also to the verbal and bodily manifestations that accompany it. If one partner is calmer and inexpressive and the other screams and writhes, it would be a dissatisfied experience
Post-orgasmic affection: sexual coupling does not depend only on a before and during, there is also an after. After-displays-of-affection are the ones that increase or decrease sexual receptivity. That is to say, after orgasm the need to show affection facilitates or hinders total satisfaction and of course the disposition for next encounters.
Some couples have sex in the dark, others with the lights on, others do it in silence, others talk, or do it every day or once a week. These are preferences, not rules of thumb or established canons to ensure that this is the best way.
The ideal thing is that these tastes coincide with those of your partner and if you do not manage to convince them, you can always negotiate or seduce them, because how will you know if you do not like something if you do not try it?
Traducción del español: Catalina Oviedo Brugés.