Communication is very important in a couple’s life, so much so that it is often not about what you say, but how you say it.
“The other person knows our desires and needs, and the exchange of opinions is the key to be able to solve other problems and is crucial to strengthen the emotional bond”, says psychologist Alicia Perez, master in couples therapy and sexuality.
The expert emphasizes that the main communication problems of couples are mainly focused on:
Verbal aspects such as indirect communication, confusing or not very fluid conversations.
Non-verbal aspects such as inadequate eye contact, incorrect tone and a not-listening attitude.
The thing is to be sincere, but with empathy; that is, putting myself in the other person’s place. Saying things #sinrecato, but without offending, without hurting and, of course, saying it the way I would like to hear it: being assertive.
Only you know what you want and how you want it; what is really complicated is to make your partner understand it, and that is what sexual relationships are all about, it is not only about penetrating and touching but about understanding each other while enjoying.
The psychologist explains how affective and sexual communication generates harmony while living as a couple: “Knowing how to say what we like about each other, knowing how to criticize sexual behavior in a way that does not cause discomfort, is the first step to a stable sexual and affective rapport”.
She clarifies that criticizing does not consist in reproaching one’s partner for what they have done wrong, but in giving criteria to change, in informing the other in a clear and precise way what we do not like.
Here I will give you some recommendations to improve communication in couples:
Nobody is perfect: the higher the expectations, the higher the level of demand. The idea is to keep in mind that we must be more tolerant with our mistakes and defects in order to be more tolerant with others.
Do not assume: communicating as a couple is not easy, it is a habit that must be created from the beginning of the relationship so that, over time, it matures and becomes a practical exercise that will not be understood as a call for attention. When having doubts regarding something it is better to ask and not to assume and not to believe that others can read your mind. You cannot expect you and your partner to know each other so well that you read each other’s thoughts, it is frustrating for both of you. The only way to understand each other is through talking.
Speak clearly: if you do not like something you must say it clearly and not in a general way, for example, “I don’t like the way you make love to me”; the comment does not say, exactly, what you do not like, rather, “I don’t like you biting my nipples”; and if the idea is to say what you do not like right at the spot, say how you like it as well: “I like you touching my clitoris like this…”.
Feedback: it is important to know if your partner understood what you meant so that they are not offended or have misunderstood the message.
Voice tone: it is important to use a neutral tone, it is not a scolding or a complaint. It is a conversation between adults.
Appropriate place: it should be an intimate space where family, friends or children should not be present. It is a conversation that only interests the couple.
Pay attention: no matter whose initiative it is, the important thing is that you must pay attention and not be doing another activity while your partner is sharing their feelings. It is important to listen and observe.
One topic at a time: do not jump from one topic to another; it is advisable to focus on one situation and for both of you to find the possible solution.
For criticism to work, you should not generalize, shame, blame and much less impose. Nobody is born knowing. Nor does everyone like the same things. Nor have they had the same experiences.
The idea is not to make your partner feel uncomfortable, on the contrary, if someone wants to show you where they like and how they like to be touched, it is the best invitation to enjoy their sexuality.
Of course, the more empathy you have with your partner, the more they will enjoy that sexual encounter as something unique; it is not a matter of doing all the Kamasutra positions, it is about connecting and flowing. Orgasms are important; the foreplay is important, but they are useless if you are not connected with the person next to you.
Being respectful of others is determinant in your self-esteem; of course, being with someone who guides you with kindness, chivalry, passion and tenderness is very special.
Remember, human beings are mirrors that reflect themselves in others. A truth without empathy is plain rudeness and even if your partner is golden, sometimes that is not enough to make them part of your life.
Traducción del español: Catalina Oviedo Brugés