I think we have all been on both sides of this situation: we have either broken up with someone or we have been broken up with. Each situation is very personal and although there is no manual that says how to do it, the golden rule should be to speak with empathy without hurting the other.
Many times the one who takes the initiative will always be “the villain” or “the witch” of the story. However, one of the two must do it and if it is clear that the relationship is no longer working, it is necessary to talk as soon as possible and not to hurt each other unnecessarily and perpetually.
It is true that that day will be remembered bitterly for many, no one has been spared from this sad moment, not even celebrities and if you think your breakup has been the worst, remember that actor Russell Brand broke up with the singer Katy Perry through a text message in which he told her that they were going to divorce after 14 months of marriage.
“I felt very responsible for the breakup, but then I found out the truth, which I cannot reveal because I have it in my lockbox for when I need it. I let go and told myself ‘this is not my fault, this is out of my hands’, I’m already over it,” the singer told Vogue magazine. Today Katy is in a relationship with actor Orlando Bloom and they have a son.
Psychologist Valeria Sabater talks about it: “While there is no magic formula applicable to do it, there is something that can contribute to the breakup in a good way: Try to be honest and assertive for the good of both and not just one of the parties. Also keep in mind not to let feelings of anger or rage control the situation”.
That is why today, in #sinrecato, several experts recommend a series of steps that, although will not avoid the breakup, at least will allow it to occur in a healthy way:
Talk to your partner: When a relationship becomes unsustainable, both know it and it is best to talk honestly, even if you are afraid to realize it or admit that there is nothing left to do.
Psychologist Bernardo Peña says: “While it is true that sincerity is important in any conversation, at the moment of ending a relationship it is essential. It is key to remember what were the positive aspects of the relationship, as well as some of the qualities to let that person know that we appreciate them and that we took them into consideration at all times”.
Face to face: If you take the initiative to talk, what you should do is to organize your ideas. You need to talk face to face with the other person. Express yourself calmly and sincerely. Avoid beating around the bush and speak clearly.
If a discussion arises, be prepared and keep calm, but defend the decision you made, show that you are sure, know well what you want and that it was not a decision taken lightly because in the end it will benefit both.
Although there are many long distance relationships, the ideal thing is to show your face when you end a relationship, in this regard the psychologist Peña says: “Digital media can facilitate communication but not in this case. The best thing to do is to meet, in person, to show your face. We all need to be given time. Especially when we need explanations. Do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you.”
To avoid doubt, or confusion, be specific with your words: break up, stop being a couple, separation, is the first step that will help you both understand well what is going on and the decision you are going to make.
Emotional management: We are human and emotions often rule us. As much as possible, even if it is a breakup, avoid shouting and aggressive statements. It is not an easy moment, you will need time to assimilate, calm down and move forward. So try to make that moment mature and calm.
It is normal to feel sadness, grief and even the need to cry, it is all part of the process and you must accept it. It is more complicated when feelings of anger or contempt are the ones that rule that moment.
End of a stage: Some couples break up and then get back together and it is their constant. However, if you are aware that this relationship only causes you suffering, it is better to close that door.
When a relationship ends, it is the end of a stage of life but also a beginning and that is how both of you should understand it. Keep the good memories of what you have lived. Do not focus on the bad memories, it is not healthy for you, you will only feed anger and frustration.
Take responsibility: As the saying goes ‘it takes two to tango’ and both of you are responsible for everything that happens in the relationship. Therefore, blaming your partner for making the decision to end things is not healthy. Blaming the other for what was wrong implies a punishment and the point is not to attack the other but to solve the problem and take responsibility for the breakup.
In a breakup it is normal for there to be many mixed emotions, reactions of anger, pain, sadness. If one of the two is able to give in, you should take a break and remain silent for a few minutes.
At the end of a relationship you should treasure the good things. Later you will understand that you have learned a lot; you are wiser, stronger because you know what is good for you and what is not.
Life is a cycle and you have to accept that there are seasons that end. Everyone deserves to find their peace and if at some point you find that special someone who gives you a lot of happiness, dare to start again.
Traducción del español: Catalina Oviedo Brugés