The little importance given to sex education, as well as to sexual self-knowledge, is the reason why so many people have wrong ideas and taboos. For example, we have the idea that talking about sex promotes promiscuity and debauchery, when in reality, what is gained is knowledge that promotes control, prevention, protection and self-care.
Therefore, it is necessary to be aware of our sexuality. According to Núria Jorba, sex coach, clinical sexologist and couples therapist, our ‘sexual self’ is like this: “Surely you know how to define yourself as a worker, as a friend, as a partner or as a child, but not as a lover, because we were never taught to think about it and the way to achieve it is to know the main blocks that define sexuality; the first is eroticism, the second is seduction and the third is communication.”
The expert assures that to know that ‘sexual self’ you must connect your body, accept it, love it, see it in the mirror and love what you see, otherwise, those complexes and fears will block your eroticism. Of course, if that happens, there is a solution, which is to potentiate the sexual energy that everyone carries inside.
You may wonder how that ‘self’ works? That depends on each person. Some get it with a scent, a good perfume, others by wearing clothes they feel attractive in, others with their attitude. The point is that it is all about exploring your senses and finding that specific way to feel erotic.
After testing the terrain of the ‘sexual self’, the next task is to discover how your body responds to stimuli, to know what your erogenous zones are and how you like them to be stimulated. Remember that the body is a great sexual map and there are many places that practically beg to be explored.
Fantasies are part of this first block and, according to the sexologist, they are an abstract element and sometimes not so easy to define. As a curious fact, men and women both fantasize, but men, in most cases, actually fulfill their fantasies, while women are more prejudiced, and do not bring them into reality. But what is true is that the mere fact of fantasizing stimulates the mind.
The second block is seduction. The expert says: “At this point you are exposing yourself to the other; it is the block in which you show your eroticism to another person and seduction begins. Some people seduce with their eyes, others with their words”.
Self-knowledge is not only physical, you must also know yourself inwardly, on an emotional level, because by knowing what your qualities are, you are going to present with confidence to the other person, showing yourself as you are.
Jorba also talks at this point about rejection and how to overcome it: “Exposing yourself to the critical look and possible rejection of the other is not easy for our self-esteem. Therefore, you must first discover yourself, know how to approach and connect with the person you like. Then you learn to manage rejection, if the situation arises, not to live it as something personal or start endless attacks and criticisms towards yourself.”
Lastly, the expert Nuria talks about the third block which is communication: “Learning to dance with the other, sexually speaking, is a key point of your ‘sexual self’; knowing what erotic games you like, what you feel comfortable with, how you get pleasure, how much you know your partner’s body and how you communicate sexually with the other”.
To connect with your ‘sexual self’, you must first focus on yourself, then you must ask yourself how you connect with the other and finally, think about how you live your sexual encounter, how you both enjoy it, and always keep in mind that every experience lived can get better. The main thing is to listen to yourself and give yourself time to discover and understand your sexuality, your desires, fears and insecurities.
The sexologist affirms that one of the most frequent mistakes that do not let us connect with that ‘sexual self’ is that we do not have quality time for ourselves: “We tend to dedicate ourselves to action and not to introspection. And to get a good ‘sexual self’ that is the first step; stop time, breathe, listen to yourself without judgment and reflect to be able to assimilate”.
Remember that to generate this change you can not always do it alone, you must rely on a professional you trust and thus be setting goals or challenges to move forward.
If there is something you do not like or want to change or improve in your ‘sexual self’, it is time to work on those blocks and insecurities that do not allow you to have more pleasurable sexual encounters.
Traducción del español: Catalina Oviedo Brugés