Despacito!: don’t rush
One of the many lessons this quarantine has taught us is how to make the most of time. Clearly, everyone knows how to manage, distribute and waste their time. Modern society has been characterized by living in a hurry and doing everything in a hurry. When actually, there are moments that deserve to be enjoyed, just as Luis Fonsi’s song says: Despacito!
There is a trend known as slow sex, or sex without hurry, which invites you to enjoy sexuality in a relaxed and conscious way. This movement began with food, known as slow food, is a way to enjoy the preparation of food, look for the ingredients, taste them and, most importantly, enjoy them in company.
In this case the purpose is to enjoy sex, without having the only objective of penetration. An approach taken from the Tantric philosophy, where the important thing is to discover feelings and emotions in that moment of intimacy.
Our culture has given intercourse a connotation limited to performance, therefore, men and women, feel pressure when having sex. They worry more about having an erection and they worry more about achieving orgasms.
According to a study, published in 2008, in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, in the United States, an adequate sexual relation would last from 3 to 7 minutes and a desirable one would be between 7 and 13 minutes. Being 1 to 2 minutes a too short encounter and one that exceeds 10 minutes a too long one.
The authors of the research, Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani, from the University of Erie, Pennsylvania, interviewed 50 experts from the Society for Sex Research and Therapy, sexologists, sex therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists, who studied thousands of related cases.
Of those, 68% agreed with the times indicated above, but indicated that many men and women, who participated in the study, wanted to have sex for 30 minutes, on average.
This analysis confirms that sexual relations should go beyond ‘animal’ sex, people should take the time to enjoy all its stages. Slow sex does not simply seek to delay ejaculation. It proposes that sex should be lived as a sensory experience, without reaching ‘kitschiness’.
Another important aspect is that, unlike men, women need more time to get excited. Dr. Debbie Herbenick, a specialist in sexuality, points out that “women need an average of 10 to 20 minutes to be sufficiently excited to climax, depending on the method and on each woman”.
In the book ‘Slow Sex’, the author Diane Richardson, professor and practitioner of holistic body therapies, and disciple of the tantric master Osho, recommends: “One of the fundamental aspects of “sex without hurry”, is the change of positions maintaining the same axis of genital connection, so that the movements, depths and rhythms of the pelvis generate new stimuli. The objective would be to vary every time you are close to orgasm in order to prolong its arrival, but in an integrated and relaxed way”.
More than a trend, slow sex is a way to take advantage of time with your partner, experts suggest these recommendations:
1- Look at each other: About 10 minutes, in a relaxed way and looking at the non-dominant eye of the other person; that is, if your partner is right-handed, look at his or her left eye. You can include a smile. At the beginning, it will not be comfortable, because they are used to looking at each other and not looking deeply into each other’s eyes.
2- Breathing together: When you are comfortable looking at each other, let your breath come naturally, inhaling and exhaling through your nose, if possible. So, your partner will unconsciously adjust their own breath to match; now if this does not happen, you can put a hand on their heart to help each other.
3- Hugging and touching each other for a while: about 30 minutes may be enough to stimulate each other with bodily caresses; you can even kiss each other, but without touching your genitals. The time is determined by each couple, the important thing is that they enjoy themselves without pressure. One of the two must lie down and blindfold themselves or close their eyes and let the other caress them with their hands, with a feather. Be creative.
4- Bath together: Bathe each other, use exfoliants, oils and dress in something comfortable and easy to remove. Smell each other, it is an erotic act and a connection with your partner.
Sexual relations when you are in a couple, especially those that have been together for several years, are limited to having the classic quickie, for many reasons, and although it is not bad to do so, it is only fair to take the time, at least one hour a month. No cell phones, away from home, no conditions, no restrictions to enjoy your partner #sinrecato. The time is now. Live the present.
Traducción del español de Catalina Oviedo Brugés.